Sudden Realisation

So my parents have been away since last Tuesday away to LA with some friends of theirs whom owns a guitar shop and usually goes to buy guitars and brings them home and sells them on.

It seems to have gone slow. Its like the 3rd time they have gone and seems different this time some how even though my nan is round every day and my brother has his friends around just seems different think it maybe cause without my mum and dad here I am on my own. I've never known the house to be so quiet. The house definitely seems empty without the 2 of them. Even though I spend most of my time upstairs its knowing their in the office and front room and their presence is here.

I think cause most of my friends have all moved on now. Moved elsewhere, had/having babies and moving forward. I just seem to stand still where everyone elses future is changing. I know its my decision that I don't want kids but in some way feel like its excepted of me. Meet a guy and have kids. Happening quite often with friends of mine even ones younger than me and I feel quite far behind. At least I have one friend who is in my shoes also. All we seem to do is work and not spend much time doing anything else. Its quite shocking how things change. One minute going out on a Friday night and going usual spots to them getting engaged and having kids. Things certainly happen fast. Made me think that things happen to people who don't give much and those who does lives seem bleak like mine.

I kind of knew my life would turn out like this from a young age things weren't great with school and friends. A part of me thinks if I was a bit brighter and have done better with school my life now may be completely different. Most people I know who did well in school/college and uni are off and doing what I want to be doing. Like living in a different part of the world and married and settled down and going places and I have only just got my 1st settled job in like 15 years. Its definitely too little too late.

Of course there are dreams and what not maybe most of them is just all talk. Go to New York live in a nice place and have a great job, thats watching Sex and The City too many times times gives ones ideas. Getting to make them realistic one doesn't know where to begin. Wishing that it would happen when it won't you have to make it happen. Your responsible for your own destiny.

There's my parents who do anything for you and want to keep you safe and bail you out. 25 and thats still happening. I have only ever made 1 train journey on my own and even then did I not trust myself but even nervous of doing it again. Been given the chance to drive but even myself ignore it. I started before people I knew and they passed way ahead of me. I am using the excuse of my instructor that I don't like him all too well but its hard to comes to terms with me driving who knew?! Think thats what is putting me off completing my lessons and passing even though they are paid for and have plenty left and needs finishing. I could go out and about visit friends who have moved away and maybe get a better job and a career. Think its time to get back on track I think all my excuses have been used up.

Maybe once thats done things might start falling into place not like having kids I have already my mind up about that. There are certain people who have kids and make a great mum I just don't think Im one of them.

At least mum and dad have managed to have 1 grandchild and a lovely one at that.

One will have to see what 2010 will bring.