Spot me if you can

If our New York trip happens for my mums 50th I'd love to spot the Antony Gormley statues that has appeared around New York. Although people has mistook them for people wanting to jump.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/artanddesign/gallery/2010/mar/10/antony-gormley-new-york-sculptures?picture=360253214

Lonliness

Saturday night at home drinking and crying to myself as I feel more a lone than ever.

I was hoping that I could go out with a friend but as usual she came up with her lousy excuses that I get every so often when I want to go out and have a bit of fun.

I haven't seen her since just before Christmas and were always working and don't get the chance to see each other and I though Saturday nights are usually the good nights which I heard a mates band were on should be a good evening to go out.

I mentioned this night the other day and mentioned it again this afternoon. She was texting me back but kind of ignoring it and changing the subject of tonight. I asked her about it as someone else had asked me if i were out and thought it be good for us to go out and didn't hear anything for ages till she replied that family friends of there's had been round and it was too late this was at 9.3o and I replied I didn't mind it take me some time to get ready but still no 'she wasn't feeling it and 'we can't talk with bands on' always have to be about her.

She can go out other evenings with her mates and have a good night and tell me about it later in the week like as if she were rubbing it in but when ever I want to do something the lousy excuses prop up. The best one is 'period pain' how silly. Like she avoids to go out with me after all the things I do for her as well.

There isn't many people round here I have a friends most have moved away and doing there own thing. I feel like I'm 12 again the miserable years of spending weekends off school on my own and not doing anything else and trying to hang out with school friends always found they were doing something better than to hang out with me.

She says we'll do something next week I just said don't believe it you'll probs use the same excuse or something which she probs will.

After all the horrible things she said about me a few months back how she no longer wanted to be my friend and how horrible person I am I tried to make it up with her but now I'm thinking hold on its not me thats the prob its you. Especially if you make someone feel lousy about themselves and always letting them down what kind of a friend is that?!

So tonight instead of going out seeing some bands, chilling with good company and chatting to those I haven't seen in a while I'm getting drunk home alone. The life of a 25 year old :D

Update

So last week I went to my GP again after I'm still having problems with my ankle after the last Doctor I saw replied 'I don't know' when I explained about my bad ankle which I'm having to click every so often every day.

That morning when I rang for the early appointment I was feeling anxious and just hopeful something could be done as I've had this problem a while now and isn't getting any better so I though the Doctor would help and put my mind at ease but made it even worse by that poor reply and shooing my out her office when she said 'I have other patients to see' even though the waiting room was pretty empty and there was me thinking Doctors took the time to listen and examine patients that proved me wrong.

The most recent Doctor I saw was more kind. I have seen her once before and made me happy to see her again. I should have gone to her in the 1st place about my ankle but that morning I was desperate so early birds appointment you don't get the chance to choose who you see where as the kind Doctor only has pre booked appointments which I'm not surprised as she is the nicest one at the practice.

Next stop is a referral to my local hospital to a foot specialist as I have already tried Pysio and at £30 is expensive to go every so often I was on the list for NHS for don't know how long will take. It didn't really do anything for me.

I don't really see any other solution part from surgical. I hope my appointment comes soon and get to the bottom of this problem as its even affecting my walking and things in general. There is a treatment that could be done that has been proved quite well but with 3-6 months recovery, wonder how work will take it ?

Cupcakes

I think the 1 thing I'd like to have is my very own cupcake shop. I have thought about a clothes shop but not much fun in that. Where a cupcake one make and create your own cakes and sell them. The perfect shop would be a little Victorian place. In Run, Fat boy run is ex works in a old Victorian shop selling cakes a lovely little shop and thats the kinda place I'd have. Very old and traditional with displays in the window very sweet. Cake stands and paper doylies. Not just cupcakes but all kinds of cake. Business logo boxes, business cards.

There's a empty shop in Cleveleys which would be nice a good size and near the main town bit. Have friends to come and help in the shop and pay in cakes. A cool name is a must like the Magnolia one in New York that is very popular. Even brought out there own book have yet to try the recipes and there own merchandise. Have yet to visit that place it'll be the 1st place to visit when we go back.

I bet all the good cupcake/cake shop names are all taken.

I'll have to conjour up a business plan and hand it to my mum (bank) for a loan. ;-) Lauren Cupakes could be famous!

Sudden Realisation

So my parents have been away since last Tuesday away to LA with some friends of theirs whom owns a guitar shop and usually goes to buy guitars and brings them home and sells them on.

It seems to have gone slow. Its like the 3rd time they have gone and seems different this time some how even though my nan is round every day and my brother has his friends around just seems different think it maybe cause without my mum and dad here I am on my own. I've never known the house to be so quiet. The house definitely seems empty without the 2 of them. Even though I spend most of my time upstairs its knowing their in the office and front room and their presence is here.

I think cause most of my friends have all moved on now. Moved elsewhere, had/having babies and moving forward. I just seem to stand still where everyone elses future is changing. I know its my decision that I don't want kids but in some way feel like its excepted of me. Meet a guy and have kids. Happening quite often with friends of mine even ones younger than me and I feel quite far behind. At least I have one friend who is in my shoes also. All we seem to do is work and not spend much time doing anything else. Its quite shocking how things change. One minute going out on a Friday night and going usual spots to them getting engaged and having kids. Things certainly happen fast. Made me think that things happen to people who don't give much and those who does lives seem bleak like mine.

I kind of knew my life would turn out like this from a young age things weren't great with school and friends. A part of me thinks if I was a bit brighter and have done better with school my life now may be completely different. Most people I know who did well in school/college and uni are off and doing what I want to be doing. Like living in a different part of the world and married and settled down and going places and I have only just got my 1st settled job in like 15 years. Its definitely too little too late.

Of course there are dreams and what not maybe most of them is just all talk. Go to New York live in a nice place and have a great job, thats watching Sex and The City too many times times gives ones ideas. Getting to make them realistic one doesn't know where to begin. Wishing that it would happen when it won't you have to make it happen. Your responsible for your own destiny.

There's my parents who do anything for you and want to keep you safe and bail you out. 25 and thats still happening. I have only ever made 1 train journey on my own and even then did I not trust myself but even nervous of doing it again. Been given the chance to drive but even myself ignore it. I started before people I knew and they passed way ahead of me. I am using the excuse of my instructor that I don't like him all too well but its hard to comes to terms with me driving who knew?! Think thats what is putting me off completing my lessons and passing even though they are paid for and have plenty left and needs finishing. I could go out and about visit friends who have moved away and maybe get a better job and a career. Think its time to get back on track I think all my excuses have been used up.

Maybe once thats done things might start falling into place not like having kids I have already my mind up about that. There are certain people who have kids and make a great mum I just don't think Im one of them.

At least mum and dad have managed to have 1 grandchild and a lovely one at that.

One will have to see what 2010 will bring.

Happy New Year

Happy 25 Years and bah humbug

Last week was my parents 25th Silver Anniversary. The morning was a bit of a commotion as my dad bought my mum flowers but not the right ones and thought they were lilies that smelt but actually weren't he was just fussing. After the 3rd attempt manage to get them right. My mums friend known to us as 'Aunty Ann' came rang with card and pressie that was a characture of my parents it was possibly one the best oscar moments I seen my parents give. Even though she manage to send a picture to whom did the characture it didn't look like them that was why my dad was giving the best oscar performance pretending it was a lovely gift I knew what they thought and just let him carry on. Lovely thought still as Anniversary or any occasion is hard to buy for. I knew buying some piece of glass with '25' on would be a waste so in the end just got some flowers and for a card with '25' on wasn't easy Not many to 'mum and dad on your anniversary' cards just had to stick with a normal one in the end.

My brother booked a restaurant in Lytham knowing my mum would like it but it wasn't quite convenient with everyone else like nana, kim and baby. Mum had already settled for River Wyre as it was close and could have a drink afterwards. Mum had invited a few people hoping 11 would turn up but only turned out to be 8.2 of whom was my parents good friends but seemed they didn't really want to be there. It was quite disappointing for mum. Before we left for the restaurant dad went out to get some beer and drinks and earlier that dad mum went shopping and bought snacks for people who could come back to ours and have a drink and cheer to 25 years and me cleaning the house up. It ended up with with just the 3 of us and an early night and a gorgeous cake that my nan baked still on the island. They have gone Edinburgh for weekend and I hope they have a nice weekend there.

It seems Christmas has come early this year earlier than last year and maybe the year before that. It was around when it was Halloween and people are going crazy getting their presents.

Working in a home bargains store trolley full of Christmas stuff. Now the shop has decided to open late on two days for people to do their Christmas shopping but who does it in Cleveleys? The only people coming in at that time 7 and 8 are those buying a few bits they must only take about £20 like someone said there paying us more than there taking. Can be stressful working there. While on the till manager decides to sort my till out while a customer was waiting to pay and he was on the phone right next to me. It was like take your time and take all my change even though I might need it. He's always like do this do that doesn't let me finish the first thing he asked me to do before going onto something else. I'm not wonder woman.

I dunno this year I don't seem to be bothered with it all. If I could I would spend it in a hot climate abroad and do nothing just relax, maybe one day.

Its all the preparations like having to think what to get people. I usually think of things that I know they'll use no point in getting things that will be sat in a draw and never used waste of money. I just don't know where to begin I don't even know what I want.

I think I miss Christmas like i did when little. It seems to go so quick. Christmas is definitely for kids. What I guess I miss every year. Like the excitement leading up to Christmas and wanting so many things hoping Santa bring them you and leaving mine pies and sherry out. There was one thing I kept asking for that I never got I think that was the moment when I knew that writing a list on Christmas Eve night I wasn't going to get the thing I wanted the most and how could Santa bring it me at short notice. Plenty of hints to tell you Santa isn't real and actually your parents buy the presents.

My brother would always be the one to wake up early on Christmas morning about 6am jumping on me in my room wanting to rush downstairs to see the presents under the tree. Then going into our parents room and wanting them to wake up so we could go downstairs, it was always dad who used to take his time getting up. Eyes light up at the big presents at the back and with 3 of us we used to have our sets of presents in order under the tree.

Now a days we don't get up till late morning and its a grown up Christmas now. The preparations leading up to Christmas are fun but when its Christmas days seems to be over so quick.

It'll be babies first Christmas but he's too young to know what's what maybe next year it'll be proper exciting for him when he can enjoy Christmas like it should be. Like how we've outgrown it.

When Christmas comes around you suddenly realise how quick the year has gone. Every year always wishing it would snow that would really be Christmassy. Its cold enough at the mo but with living by the sea doesn't really happen.

Christmas is about togetherness I suppose so eat, drink and be merry.